Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

   Before you come out to the country, remember we'll sit in a tree all day waiting to kill something.

   Giving my liver a Rocky Balboa style pep talk for the upcoming weekend.

   Unemployment, COVID-19, social unrest, .......kinda makes waiting for that giraffe to give birth not that big of a big deal now.

   My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring. After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

   If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

   My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be. Um how about you continue to live here?

   I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.

   I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

   I was wearing glasses before it was a Snapchat filter...I'm a trendsetter

   Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don't think it's a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

   'Flashdance' gave me unrealistic expectations about how hot welders would be

   I'm a proud member of the Exaggerators Club. Membership 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and growing.

   Auto-correct makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.

   Telling someone they shouldn't be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn't be happy because others have it better.

   The Wizard of Oz is 78 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no courage she wouldn't be in Oz. She'd be in Congress.

   My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

   I learned all my dance moves from the paternity test episodes on Maury Povich.

   I walked into a room where men were wearing capes, expecting great things. Then I see that it is a barbershop.

   Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.