Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey here is something I learned and wanted to pass along -- you can donate to the Hurricane Relief fund and not tell anyone.

   My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.

   I wonder if Yoda from Star Wars last name was “Layeehoo”.

   ..... The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze .....

   Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

   Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?

   we need funny material not people who think they are funny

   Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.

   If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see Kanye West crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!!!

   Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

   No matter how tough you think you are, there's always a closed pistachio ready to mess you up.

   The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn't already hate you...

   I used to have a amazing social life, until some idiot talked to me into signing up for Facebook.

   I hope my dog doesn't turn out weird because she's being home-schooled.

   Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.

   I really want to buy one of the grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.

   dieting would be a lot easier if refrigerators startled you with front facing cameras from time to time

   You know that song "Happy" by Pharrell? That's how annoying I am.

   Don't advertise "All You Can Eat" then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

   Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.