Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

   For all you people worrying about toilet paper, you could use your finger. You would be more likely to wash your hands, and less likely to touch your face. Hope this helps...

   Doctor Cathy told me I was really sweet. Well, she actually said I am severely diabetic but I knew what she meant.

   If they are taking all the letters of the alphabet, what will we use?

   My behavior during the Pandemic should earn me the Nobel Peace Prize

   87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

   I went to the store to buy some invisible tape but I didn't see any.

   Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

   That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

   Taco Bell is doing a promotion where if a player steals a base in the World Series,,, everyone in America would get a free Doritos Locos Taco.. Which is a great way for both players and fans to have lots of runs.

   Don't let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.

   It's a good thing this video game is rated mature because it's going to be babysitting the kids tonight.

   I'm too tired to stay awake and watch... It feels like this U.S. Election night is Christmas Eve, and America's worried Santa might leave coal and sticks instead of presents in the morning.

   I Wonder if the Bloods ever feel conflicted voting Blue?

   Hey,,,,Only quitters will say you don't eat the corn dog stick.

   That moment when you realize that the people you regarded as gods .... turn out to be nothing more than corrupt men.

   I got up this morning and decided to put on my favorite Fat jeans only to realize they have become just another pair of my skinny jeans

   Leaving the house with 50% battery on your phone is almost as bad as leaving without your wallet.

   Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.

   What if our dreams are just us seeing what the other versions of ourselves in alternate universes are doing?