Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're broke when American Express calls you and says: "Leave home without it"

   How to strengthen your abs: 1. lie down and put your hands behind your head... Wow, what great position for a nap, better take a nap.

   When someone knocks on my door, I find the best thing to do is knock back from my side. Then they go away.

   Look what happened to Craigslist Casual Encounters! Now where are we supposed to go for sex with strangers and/or possible murderers?!

   I'll never forget the thrill of that first kiss or the night I decided to keep someone else's Tupperware.

   I’m tired of not having any plans to cancel.

   Sex with me is like riding a bike. You never forget it and if you’re doing it you probably don’t have a car, a job, or any dignity.

   If you don't post it, how will anyone else get to read it?

   I'm tired of making me happy. Someone else needs to take a turn.

   In the 90s, we had scaredies: group photos where one person looked afraid the stranger taking the picture was going to steal their camera.

   People in my office act like they've never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

   I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she’s worth a shot

   Tall people know what's up.

   Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

   Kid, “Did you feel that? Was that an earthquake?” Husband, “No it was just your mother coming down the stairs.” And that, folks, is how to end a marriage in 10 words or less.

   I stopped talking to myself because it's too much social stimulation

   Countless individuals over the last 80 years have spent millions of hours on the development of the electronic computer. All so I can sit at my desk yelling "Hurry up you piece of crap!"

   My friend ask me why I was still single. I said I'm single by choice..... Unfortunately it's not by my choce

   I'm at my highest dad level when I see a toddler stroking a cat in the wrong direction.

   My biggest problem with thieves is that they take things literally.