Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just discovered that I'm willing to drive 35mph over the speed limit to prevent a PT Cruiser from passing me.

   My voicemail message is just me sighing for 20 minutes.

   I asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

   A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

   Ready to earn money staring at my screen all day so I can afford to go home & stare at my screen all night, repeating the process unto death

   I'll sell my broken watch when the time is right.

   It hurts when someone you love says mean things to you like, "It's time to wake up and go to work."

   I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting..

   Dog 911: hello Dog: I accidentally ate the trash Dog 911: crouch low to pretend you are sorry Dog: but I'm not sorry Dog 911: I said pretend

   Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

   Why would you be scared to get measles? You haven't left your couch since 2011.

   a silent morning and a silent afternoon wouldn't be so bad either

   Who called it Star Trek III - The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

   If you're about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

   I'm taking stuff to the thrift store. But first I have to drive around with it in the back of my car for 6 months.

   *gets a new lease on life* *misses first payment*

   My daughter's school is selling apples for their band. If I want to buy a bag of apples for 400 bucks I'll go to Whole Foods.

   Friend: How come you keep wearing white pants? Me: Trying to summon my period.

   Guy about to invent the everything bagel: *removes couch cushions to vacuum*

   If you are ugly with pretty eyes, this is your moment.