Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

   Tag every baby photo you see on on Facebook as Verne Troyer.

   Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

   I'm looking at the bright side of having 10 people or less over for Thanksgiving. More turkey for me!

   If rubbing toast crumbs off your face counts as exfoliating, then yes, I exfoliate every day.

   Under further investigation, we discovered that crime does indeed pay.

   Career, dreams, meaningful relationships. Pick any two.

   Until this recent Facebook trend I would have never guessed how many people were behind me in line with a gun under their shirt..

   Set the tone for the day by getting out of bed and stumbling directly into a wall.

   If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it!

   The only time I've ever on time to anything is when I'm dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.

   All my 5yo does is pretend to be a horse galloping around and insists I pretend she's a horse. Well, today she broke her leg.

   Dear Disney: Please make a a 2,160 hour Pixar movie for my kids to watch this summer.

   Based on my experiences in the New York City subway system, Jehovah's Witnesses are a source of renewable energy.

   If you prefer a table over the booth we will never be friends

   I wish getting rich was just as easy as getting fat.

   Teen Slang Update: "Bye, Felicia" has been abbreviated to "Peace, Feleesh".

   Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.

   The number of weeks sisnce giving up coffee is directly proportional to the number of people I've wanted to stab.

   Always wanted to be a Starbucks barista, but that takes too many years of college.