Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

   Our teachers won't let us charge our phones. Even if we're on 1%. It's not safe. Me: Nobody even put me in a car seat.

   From my 12yr old: "My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application"

   my body: please, eat something green me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

   I wonder if my dog always follows me into the bathroom when I have to go potty because I always follow him outside when he does and he just thinks that’s how it works

   Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran

   I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

   there’s plenty of fish in the sea but you know what else there is? trash. there is a lot of trash in the sea.

   Hey! Remember how fat your arms are? -Summer

   Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

   Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on. Me: ok (later at home) Me, talking to my blunt: I'm sorry I called you fat.

   Did Bruno Mars catch that grenade? Haven't heard from him in a while...

   Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying "you know, the hot blond" is conducive to sofa sleeping.

   Hate it when I'm at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

   My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.

   I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining to you why you're wrong.

   The Fat Acceptance Movement is the only movement without movement.

   These days it is getting hard to tell if it's flirting or trolling.

   Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

   90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.