Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   By their early thirties, the average person has unsubscribed from more email lists than they have days left to live.

   How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

   Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

   Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

   This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.

   Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

   shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

   Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

   So 10-year old's school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too. Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

   I'll bet the same guy that named the fireplace named Newfoundland.

   Sad to say all your friends "Friends Day" videos are now in the 99 cent bin at Walmart.

   Facebook needs a special button for those who are sick of cartoonists making fun of short T-Rex arms.

   Do you ever hear a song on your car radio and think "I better not die listening to this song"?

   Valentines: Pros and Cons for dating someone.... Con: I'm an a$$hole. Pro: I'm Your a$$hole.

   Pro Tip: Waffles are just pancakes with abs.

   We should make politicians wear shock collars that go off each time they lie.

   The only thing I hate worse than holding my wife's purse is when it doesn't match what I'm wearing.

   Roses are red. I picked you a daisy. Will you still love me when you realize I'm crazy?

   Kanye asking Mark Zuckerberg for $1billion on Twitter is like walking into an Apple store and asking to speak to Bill Gates.

   Whoever said "Do the job right the first time and you'll never have to do it again"....never shoveled a Canadian driveway.