Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

   Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

   This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.

   Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

   shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

   Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

   So 10-year old's school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too. Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

   As a kid getting sent to bed was a punishment, but now leaving my bed feels like a punishment

   not having to set an alarm is one of the greatest feelings EVER!

   Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it." FML.

   Which rock group has 4 men that can’t sing? Mount Rushmore.

   Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

   I hate it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party! Besides, my dog is receiving his First Communion that day.

   with all these statues getting removed, I'm worried now about asking "the general" about car insurance

   WTH did the Groundhog see its shadow or not???

   This morning I phoned in to buy tickets for an Elvis tribute act. It was an automated phone system which said: 'Press 1 for the money / 2 for the show'

   How many coworkers have to ask you "what's that pee smell" before you admit you're wearing a new cologne?

   No wife ever shot her husband for doing the dishes.

   I took the Facebook quiz "Which Sex and the City character are you?" Turns out I'm the bus driver who splashes Carrie in the opening credits.

   I hate it when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick someone in the ass to wake it up.