Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

   Does anyone know which page of the bible explains how to turn water into wine? Asking for a friend.

   Still waiting to use “y=mx + b” in real life

   My wife made me a plate of calamari in exchange for helping her clean out her closet. It was a squid pro quo.

   I haven’t dreaded a Monday this bad in a long time. It’s been at least 7 days.

   Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays. Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.

   : Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.

   Daffy Duck calls the hotel desk & asks for a condom. They ask "Shall we put it on your bill?"...He says "Are you thupid! I'll thuffocate!"

   You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her

   At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like "Wow, She's so light." and "Is she even in here?"

   Based on my Netflix recommendations I'm either a serial killer or chef

   My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

   The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.

   Found $20 in a parking lot and thought to myself What Would Jesus Do? So I took it and turned it into wine.

   If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

   Can't make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor's chicken coop.

   Seems like somebody should have sued producers of "The Neverending Story" for false advertising

   Remember those girls in college who neatly highlighted all of their text books in pink? They work at the cosmetic counter at Macy’s now.

   Remember when you were a kid and the TV set in your basement weighed 8,000 pounds?

   An upscale Asian restaurant called "Suit and Thai."