Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dentist: I'm going to give you some helium gas. Me: Will that stop me from feeling any pain? Dentist: No...... But when you screem, it will be hilarious.

   I hate people who take drugs. Customs agents, for example.

   Bummer is being sick on your day off.

   The weather guy said I should drink plenty of electrolytes in this heat, does beer have electrolytes? Asking for a friend.

   I stuff the holes in Swiss cheese with other cheeses.

   The apocalypse doesn't care what your credit score is.

   Before I die I'm going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.

   How do you get wine stains off of a cat? Asking for a friend.

   You know your house is dirty when people wipe their feet when they are leaving.

   "When did hamburger start needing help?"

   I travel a lot. Recently I was over there on the other couch

   The diference between inlaws and outlaws...... Outlaws are wanted.

   Living alone is pretty cool, I don't even know if my bathroom door closes

   Someone asked me why I hold so much anger in my heart. I said it's because I am running out of places to keep it.

   Ladies: There is a new dating service that’s packed full of the most handsome and trustworthy men. The best part is its FREE! No need to pay or sign up for a membership to access the friend zone where you left them.

   Saw a new woman's talk show called "The Woman's Talk hour." It's on weekdays from 1pm to 3:30pm.

   I am a husband. Hear me apologise for something I did in my wife's dream.

   FISA documents being released. I suspect tissue sales are about to go up.

   Sometimes I think sharks eat people just so they can be on tv.

   Most people wake up feeling like a million bucks, me? I wake up feeling like insufficient funds.