Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've watched all of Mr. Robot season one and I gotta say this is the absolute worst adaptation of a Styx song.

   Here’s the complete A to Z guide to understanding the enhancements to every new iPhone: It has a better camera.

   Meditation helps me block out distractions and focus on what's important. I recommend it for anyone who wants to step up their napping game.

   That one way trip to Mars isn't looking so bad these days....

   Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job? Well....when they stopped putting Skittles in the break room vending machine.

   In order to enjoy porn, I have to forget everything I know about disease pathology.

   In case you wondered what it's like being married with kids, I just told my wife, "You bathe the baby. I'll scrub the poop off the walls."

   If someone lets me out in front of them in traffic, as I merge in, I give them the finger just to see the look of pure confusion on their face.

   I have nothing in common with people who wash, dry, fold and put their laundry away the same day.

   Everyone says they're going to move to Canada if their candidate doesn't win, what the hell is wrong with Mexico?

   I have a 'Do To' list, it's like a To Do list but filled with malicious intent.

   My bank account has been hacked....The hacker felt so sorry for me, he sent me a message and has started a gofundme page......

   Wonder what you do for the other two hours at a Kings of Leon concert after they play 'Sex on Fire'....

   DELTA = Don't Ever Leave The Airport

   There is an American Olympic diver named "Steele Johnson". He could have a great job in adult films with that name...

   After I pet someone's dog, I look the person in the eyes and gravely tell them "He knows what you did."

   Not that anyone asked outright, but yes, my tambourine lessons are coming along nicely.

   If I ask my mom to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It's the button on the left!"

   There is something I really like about women's beach volleyball but I can't put my finger on it.

   Any man believes in freedom of speech at least for themselves.