Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wonder what the electric eel was called, before electricity was invented.

   Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I'd be like cool I'm going home to eat.

   Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can't spell.

   All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now...good for them

   My doctor asked me if I might be pregnant. I told him I’d be giving birth to a pack of Duracell batteries if I was

   it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed

   As chickens are descended from dinosaurs, dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets must be the ultimate mockery of what their lineage has become.

   They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

   A smoothie is not worth $14, but the cleanup of a blender is.

   20% of marriage is just waiting for your spouse to fall asleep so you can eat the snacks you don’t want to share.

   80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

   Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

   I used to think nudism was weird. Then I started doing my own laundry.

   I read about a cloister of monks where you have to be at least 6'5" to join. That's a pretty tall order.

   The dating pool definitely has pee in it

   One time my wife accidentally threw a knife at me, but I’m pretty sure the second time was intentional.

   My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention: Pick your nose

   Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?” Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

   I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.

   My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.