Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now...good for them

   My doctor asked me if I might be pregnant. I told him I’d be giving birth to a pack of Duracell batteries if I was

   it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed

   As chickens are descended from dinosaurs, dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets must be the ultimate mockery of what their lineage has become.

   They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

   A smoothie is not worth $14, but the cleanup of a blender is.

   20% of marriage is just waiting for your spouse to fall asleep so you can eat the snacks you don’t want to share.

   80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

   Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

   I used to think nudism was weird. Then I started doing my own laundry.

   I read about a cloister of monks where you have to be at least 6'5" to join. That's a pretty tall order.

   The dating pool definitely has pee in it

   One time my wife accidentally threw a knife at me, but I’m pretty sure the second time was intentional.

   My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention: Pick your nose

   Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?” Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

   Sorry, I can't. It's Toyota's Summer Sale-A-Thon.

   Paul Ryan just listed his spine for sale on Craigslist.

   Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don't know who to root for.

   Today's words of Wisdom: Don't drown the man who taught you to swim.

   Absolutely despicable thats gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh.