Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.

   If you think about it, to come clean is not an option. . .

   'Wait, let me overthink that.' Women

   I'm recording an album called "My Sinuses Unplugged."

   The real Troll Hunter is a stupid, little shy guy without any self-confidence who has a big flap on the internet and at home he is sitting while peeing… because his mom told himso

   I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about

   Yesterday a guy asked me "would you give me three dollars for a sandwich?" and I said. "I don't know. Let me see the sandwich."

   Don't judge me on the choices I have made when you don't know the options I had to choose from.

   I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

   Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

   If someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs!

   This is the first time in history when we can save the Human Race by lying in front of the TV doing nothing. Let's not screw this up.

   Finland has closed its borders. Now no one can cross the Finnish line

   Roses are red, April is grey, I hope we can leave our houses by may.

   Ladies, even in social distancing, men exaggerate. They'll claim it's six feet, but it's really only three.

   Somewhere out there, is an English teacher waiting 4 school to reopen so that she can give students an essay topic how I spend my lockdown

   Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

   I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

   Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

   If you smoke weed before an eating contest, are you technically on performance enhancing drugs?