Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Son, asking for help with his homework: where do I find the lowest common denominator? Me: We look on Twitter.

   How do you accidentally send an inbound missile warning to Hawaii by "pressing the wrong button"? I had to click "are you sure", verify my thumbprint and solve an algebra problem just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

   Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings

   12 days to Valentine... ...wives have become more polite than customer care..

   I just invented a new word: Plagiarism.

   When I saw the stock market plummet, I may have overreacted a bit by eating my neighbors cat...

   Facebook is taking up too much of my time, I'm taking a break. I'll be back after I go get my coffee

   I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

   Girls want attention, Women want respect. But Men want both... And I mean - both Girls and Women

   Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.

   This is my salad fork. That's my dinner fork. This is my lasagna shovel.

   How could he be the Lone Ranger if Tonto was always with him

   Fat Girls out Here With Crop Tops Looking like Winnie the Pooh 🤣

   I'm not really sure I want this gas pump to know what zip code I live in

   I stopped watching Vikings when Ragnar Lothbrok died.

   Fun Fact: You could buy 420,000 tampons for the same amount of taxpayer funds Rep. Blake Farenthold used to settle a sexual harassment lawsuit.

   On Sunday France plays Croatia... Their defense will try to last 90 minutes and beat their World War II record...

   Quit hating people because of race, religion, sex, or sexual orientation! Join me in hating people just because they are people!

   Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy's.

   "what did he say?" "Who is she?" "What just happened?" ( Repeat 30 times and you just watched a movie with my wife.)