Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am gluten intolerance intolerant. I can't stand hearing people talk about their gluten intolerance.

   If someday we all go to prison for downloading Movies and TV shows, I just hope they split us up by genre.

   Everyone wants to be Mexican for today Cinco De Mayo.. But nobody wants to work like Juan

   My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments to make them look crazy.

   I see dead people. No wait, I take that back. I see people I want dead.

   Just so I'm sure to make friends, I like to walk in the bar carrying a handful of phone chargers.

   Good looks are a bonus, humour is a must.

   I'm "had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn't pick up and start dialing" years old.

   I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.

   Turned off "Facebook Notifications".... My battery whispered,,, "thank you"

   My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.

   *beats dead horse... *kills two birds with 1 stone... *lets cat out of bag... *takes bull by horns... *breaks camels back... (Finally gets kicked out of zoo)

   Seriously,,, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “Dude, you’re at Burger King.”

   I'm "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.

   I saw an ad on Craigslist that said "Radio for sale. $1 as is. Volume stuck on full." I thought "Wow! I can't turn this down!"

   Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

   It doesn't matter what it is. It's automatically cool if it Glows in the dark.

   Grant me the opiates to accept the things I cannot change, the stimulants to change the things I can + the mixture to know the difference.

   Mom: clean up ur room! We're having guests over for dinner Me: sorry, I didn't realize we were having dinner in my room.

   Facebook keeps asking me, "What's on your mind?", it's like dating someone with low self-esteem.