Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

   So my wife doesn’t like the new body wash she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.

   Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

   Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located? Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

   The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

   We were so poor when I was a little boy that I had to share my sandbox with our cat.

   Hurricane Irma put Barbuda on the map. And also removed it.

   I just built a hurricane proof home. Because I built it in Minnesota!

   I'll never force my child into religion. When the right time comes, I'll explain to him/her the differences, and then he/she can choose between Star Trek and Star Wars.

   Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net at least a year supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.

   Its true, Alcohol kills people. But on the bright side, if it wasn't for alcohol half my friend probably would have never been born.

   Love when I tell a cat owner I'm allergic and they look at me like I just confessed to a series of truck stop homicides.

   That time you used the flashlight on your phone to help look for your phone

   Wife giving you the silent treatment? Just loosen all the jar lids and keep the silence going !

   Some people are like that annoying advert that interrupts a video you’re watching and you can’t skip it.

   Seen a midget carrying a plasma TV to his car and a yelled out, “Hey buddy! Need help carrying that TV?” He shouted, “It’s an iPAD A$$HOLE!”

   Shout out to all the motel maids changing the sheets and the plumbers unclogging the hair filled drains this morning.

   I admit women are hard to figure out. Like, why do they tilt their head in pictures ?

   If it's really the thought that counts, we're all screwed.

   Heading to WcDonald's for a Big Wac