Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   somedays you're the duck, somedays you're the goose.

   My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself. What is yours?

   The mullet is a helmet for domestic violence.

   myspace, then facebook, then twitter. Next? mylifetotallyexposed . com

   Mr. Peanut's last words: Bye, dear. Back in a Jif.

   Here's the thing about work: I really don't feel like doing any.

   I so wish my smoke alarm had a "STFU, I'm cleaning the oven setting".

   Well....thats the last time I mow the lawn naked...

   It's so hot outside! I just saw a squirrel fanning his nuts.

   sufferring from two different mental disorders: OCD, and extreme laziness. it's an ever-present conflict. The will to maintain order vs the desire to not do a single thing about it.

   If at first you don't succeed, wait a third of your life and look him/her up on Facebook.

   Pretty soon superheroes are going to be wearing underpants with my picture on them.

   Whenever I meet someone when I'm out and then friend them on Facebook, I'm always surprised that we have no mutual friends. Where did you come from, strange person? How do you know 600 people that I've never met? How is that possible?

   Dear people in the apartment beneath me: banging on your ceiling doesn't make me want to finish any sooner. It actually makes me want to leave the vacuum on indefinitely....and I think I'll go take a shower now, too."

   Habits, babies, and promises. All are way easier to make than keep

   You don't know what you've got until you visit your doctor.

   Asking a politician about their stance on an issue is like asking Justin Bieber about his sexuality. You're never going to get a straight answer.

   I call it a Hamburger Salad, and I don't see how it's any of your business.

   I'm not saying I don't get my fair share of fiber...but it's like trying to push a tennis ball down a Velcro lined tube.

   sometimes I want to go outside n scream n come back inside like nothing happen