Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, "That completes my order" before they ask.

   The walls of hospitals have heard more sincere prayers than the walls of masjid,temples and churches.....

   If someone says they’re gonna open up a can of whoop-ass, that means there is somebody out there putting whoop-ass into a can. I’d be more afraid of that second guy.

   75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house. 90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.

   Wife: I'm going to have a baby! What do you hope it is? Husband: April Fools Day?

   If women are supposed to be so good at multi-tasking, how come they can't have sex and a headache at the same time?

   You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score! WooHoo!

   There's a prince of whales? I hope he doesn't venture into Japanese waters.

   It's strange that it's socially acceptable for me to get into a swimming pool with a complete stranger but when I do the same thing in a bathtub, all of a sudden I'm "under arrest".

   If you sneeze and fart at the same time your body takes a screen shot.

   This Jesus is King album by Kanye West is the second worst thing to happen to Jesus.

   I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short” She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me"

   Aerosmith started a Chinese cooking school. It was entitled Wok This Way

   Good Morning Inmates

   Every woman likes to be swept off her feet. It's when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out.

   So Wal-mart is making all customers wear masks now. Next thing you know, we'll have to wear pants too!

   Breaking News! So quiet at the Clinton camp you could hear Bill's pants drop! 😉

   tomorrow, a very large shipment of President Clinton merchandise will get shipped to some under developed country

   You hoes saying you're leaving America but can't even leave your boyfriend after he's cheated on you 32 times

   Old school slogan "Question Authority!" is replaced by today's "Question the News Media!" slogan