Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All I want for Christmas is NO MORE GAME REQUESTS!!! Thank you!!

   "Half time" is that point in time when you are too full to eat a whole slice of pizza but you have plenty of room if you cut that piece into two pieces and eat them separately.

   Hi, I enjoy short drives to the liquor store and crying in the shower until the hot water runs out. Wanna date?

   My safe word is letsgetmarried.

   Vodka and denial is still cheaper than therapy

   Someone threw a jar of mayo at me...I was like, "what the Hellmann"?

   I would probably be in a gang right now if I could stay up past 10pm.

   If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.

   You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread – the inventor of croutons

   By the time we can have a drink in a bar again, Captain Morgan will be an Admiral.

   Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

   Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

   Disney will install warning signs to prevent future alligator attacks but sadly most alligators are illiterate.

   Dating Red Flags: She shows you the "good behavior" pin she received in group therapy.

   .... Heck ..... ow can you trust a government that leaves you defenseless against an enemy your own Government Imported?

   If we had a black president none of this kind of stuff would be happening.

   'Black Lives Matter' is taking off while 'Just stop breaking the law yo' gets no support

   If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ? The dog, of course; He'll shut up once you let him in.

   I was just brushing my teeth and putting on deodorant when out of nowhere I hear "you're gonna have to pay for that"............this walmart sucks!

   "It didn't make him stronger" - My gravestone, prolly..