Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do not accept a Friend Request from Lizzie Borden. You will get hacked.

   My ability to remember song lyrics from the 80's far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.

   Not to brag but you’ll never have to tell me to slow down.

   My Girlfriend says our sex-life is so bad because I get so easily distracted? Ah well!..back to it I suppose!

   When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, No, you don't deserve to be hung up, sit there and think about what you've done.

   I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

   "The New York marathon was found to be a more efficient way to get around the city."

   I think I turned back my clock way too much I just saw a guy with a mullet at Starbucks.

   Imagine my embarrassment at getting caught in the rain without a piña colada.

   For once, I'd like to hear someone go "Yeah, I CAN believe it's already August....The time seems to be moving at the appropriate speed."

   Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

   Everything I know about electricity I learned from watching my drunk friends do home repairs.

   My Life Coach just told me that I've been in the placebo group. FML.

   Do race horses really pee more than regular horses?

   Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn't exist?

   when you drop your iphone, remember that's gravity that makes the apple fall

   I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.

   I went to church and a very nice man walked up to me and offered me a whole plate of money. I didn't want to be rude, so I took some of it (like, twenty bucks), and I told him to donate the rest to a charity.

   What the lottery really is.. "Hey guys, lets pool all our money together and make someone a millionaire!!

   I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.