Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hard work never killed anybody, but it does keep you off Facebook.

   glad that we have today to appreciate such great Presidents as Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce, Benjamin Harrison, Rutherford Hayes, and of course... Warren G. Harding.

   Girlfriends are like wildcats.....they can't be housebroken and they can smell that stripper perfume from a mile away!

   "Hey, yall watch this sh*t." is always followed by an emergency room visit at my family reunion.

   n't it strange how so many Media and Journalism Outlets are condemning Wikileaks for doing just what Journalists used to do?

   it possible to start the impeachment process before anyone even wins the election?

   Army Navy game. The only game where all the members of both teams have sworn an oath to lay down their lives for the spectators.

   Bill Clinton is the only Democrat who is happy right now because it wasn't his Wiener that got Hillary in trouble

   [grocery produce aisle]... ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?.. CLERK: No, why do you ask?... CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

   NEW COMMANDMENT: Thou salt stop believing everything ye read on the internet and fact check before sharing and getting all self righteous.

   Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

   Due to the election I may start a moving co.

   Thank god this election is over......I almost forgot what real commercials were like.

   A person without a sense of humor is like a car without shocks, they get jolted by every rock or pebble in the road.

   Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?

   Don't wait until you're on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.

   A few days ago, Stephen Hawking predicted the earth has 1000 years to survive. Where will Keith Richards go if that happens?

   Worst part of being sick? Sneezing while taking a piss

   Some people are the human equivalent of stomach cramps...

   i don't want a girlfriend I want an accomplice