Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We'll both regret it soon enough.

   " I hate it when people radiotype us blondes as dumb."

   My Girlfriend said she's leaving in the morning because of my "Wham" obsession! I replied... "wake me up before you go go"

   You've already put up your Christmas tree? That's nothing. I'm already drunk for St. Patrick's Day.

   I often get a "yes" from women, but it's usually followed by, "that's him officer"

   Kissing is weird. At some point, multiple cultures independently came to the conclusion that wanting to lick the inside of somebody's mouth shouldn't be exclusive to dogs.

   Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.

   Menage a trois- French for disappointing two girls at the same time.

   I like people. I just don't want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.

   Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

   Every now and then when I'm in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you're listening". If I'm wrong, nobody knows. If I'm right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.

   I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.

   Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.

   My train of thought is usually all loco and no motive.

   People say "If you want loyalty, get a dog," but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

   if you want a sneak preview of the new IPhone 8 just look at your IPhone 7 and pretend it cost $999 more.

   The San Francisco Giants visited an orphanage in Mexico last week. "It's really sad to see their faces with no hope" said Juan, age 6.

   Think I will use this CSV receipt to wrap up like a mummy for Halloween. BONUS: You can scan me for $1 off any 2 liter drink

   I wonder if Harvey Weinstein & Bill Cosby sit around swapping stories

   Sometimes I think I need to be in a mental institution, then I look around and think that maybe I already am.