Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Instead of turkey, I'm Having Grey Goose For Thanksgiving Dinner.

   Baby Yoda's first word probably came after his second word

   I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

   And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.

   Facebook needs a notification like: “Karen took your Facebook post personally. Would you like to unfriend her?”

   The Amish powerball is up to 200 chickens & a goat.

   Just caught my pecker in my zipper.. no more zip up boots for me.

   Due to panic buying Walmart has open register #3

   Whelp, it looks like another day we're not going to cure the coronavirus with our Facebook posts.

   I started homeschooling today. So far two students are suspended and the teacher was fired for drinking on the job...

   You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

   I’ve noticed many people are much more attractive wearing a mask.

   Well… This is one way to get Mexico to build that wall

   Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

   Are all the non essential oils out of work now?.

   If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at

   * 21st century where deleting history is more important than making it.

   Dear Dos Equis guy: Seriously. What guy DOESN'T think he's the most interesting man in the world after he's had a few beers?

   I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.

   A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.