Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I made a millennial cry by asking him to fold a roadmap. 
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Getting gas. I noticed the person before me on pump 3 bought $1 worth. Where the hell were they going? To pump 4?
In 1969 you could buy a gun from a catalog. No background check or ID. No mass shootings. So what happened.
It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
Who else has this problem? "I want to start eating my meal, but I can't find the perfect TV show to watch while I eat"
Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn't working out either.
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
If you’re happy and you know it... wash your hands.
I went to my doctor and asked him who his doctor was, then I switched doctors .
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Can we drive the snakes out of Washington for this St. Patrick's Day?
Don't piss off old people. The older they get, the less Life In Prison becomes a deterrent.
I'd just like to congratulate the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table! They're basically everywhere now!
If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at
* 21st century where deleting history is more important than making it.
Dear Dos Equis guy: Seriously. What guy DOESN'T think he's the most interesting man in the world after he's had a few beers?
I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We'll both regret it soon enough. 