Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I reenacted the romantic scene from "Lady and the Tramp", but it wasn't what I expected; my dog ate all the spaghetti. 
The lyrics for "hush little baby" are basically saying "I will buy you anything if you just shut the heck up". And now we wonder why so many kids feel like they need everything...
Actors in movies kiss each other for like 10 seasons and don't fall in love but when someone likes my profile pic, I think about it for like 5 months.
St Patrick's Day taught me a valuable lesson, I'm not young enough to drink anymore.
Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up. .
3 things I don't like: 1. Focusing on things I don't like 2. Lists 3. Irony
Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.
I think I just saw the Mucinex family walking out of Wal-Mart.
So I now have 921 friends on my friends list and I just wanted to let you know that you are all awesome people and I love each and everyone of you!!! <3
Except #631
Don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 15 pounds before eating your Thanksgiving dinner. Happy Thanksgiving :-)
Always choose a proctologist with a good butt-side manner.
Ha ha suckas....Pie and Cake are safer to eat than salad!
The Chicken is offended that even after all the jokes, the crossing on the road is still named after Deer .
Surely not EVERYBODY was Kung Fu Fighting.
The subtle art of knowing better but doing it anyway.
A Nightmare on Elm Street is a Christmas movie. Freddy wears a red and green sweater, and gives parents the gift of taking away their crippling financial burden.
My grandfather use to say "Don't believe everything you hear." which was good advice...... Or was it ?
Advice for those people who want to discuss politics tomorrow at the dinner table... Just don't
Throwing away a good relationship because of problems that can be worked out, is like throwing away a new car because of a flat tire...
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman. Everyone knows that. 