Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you are here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

   My children want a cat for Christmas ... Normally I do a turkey but hey, if it can make them happy!

   An easy way to tell people you don't like them is to send them a Xmas card with glitter on it.

   Having a non stick pan with a sticker stuck on it saying non stick pan is one of the reasons I don’t think humans deserve control over earth

   If my dog has taught me anything it's if you're tired just lie down anywhere

   Grandpa: In my day we worked three times as hard. Me: In your day soda contained cocaine.

   Cable guys was just in my neighborhood, asked me what time it was.. I said between 8am-1pm..

   Epstein likes his women like he likes his scotch. 12 years old with coke.

   Get rid of the "quality check" section on the Domino's pizza tracker. I know what I'm getting myself into here.

   I need to start eating healthy but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so its not there to tempt me

   Hey kids, try the real Tide challenge. Get off your butt and wash your own clothes and fold them.

   As a parent you always worry that you want to raise your children to be productive members of society......and then you go to Walmart.

   The problem with a President Oprah is a Vice President Dr. Phil and a Surgeon General Dr. Oz.

   IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad died. He was 91. Funeral will be held as soon as we figure out how to put his coffin together.

   Facebook needs to make a "Slap you in the face with a dictionary" button

   NBA All Star Game: Fergie sang that National Anthem so bad, Collin Kaepernick stood up and told her not to disrespect the Anthem like that.

   This dentist just told me I need a crown, and it's a relief to finally start getting some recognition around here.

   If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it my illegal logging operation is a success.

   At this point, the only guy on the internet that I trust with my personal data is that Nigerian Prince.

   Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn't want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.🐿️