Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just saw the neighbor's kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn't supposed to.

   I don't think this solar eclipse thing is going to happen. I think they just want us to put on these special glasses so we don't see the meteor coming...

   Cutting a hole in the bottom of a table with a saw to steal a pie is way harder than it looks in cartoons.

   You can't make this stuff up? Actually, you can... it's called lying.

   Crayons are a lot like M & M's, all the colors taste the same.

   I've heard a lot about Karen lately but what about Felicia. Did she finally leave?

   I never thought I’d reach a point in my life where my hands have consumed more alcohol than my mouth.

   Pro Tip: Adopt a retired drug dog to help find fun friends at parties.

   Remember, after the police have been defunded and you have to shoot intruders, call 811 before you dig. It's the law.

   Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

   That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.

   Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

   I've decided to buy a Dallas Cowboys Covid mask. That way I know I won't catch anything.

   Everyone told Beethoven he would never be a composer because he was deaf. But did he listen?

   Website: We use cookies to improve performance. Me: Same

   My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

   My neighbors hate me because I still haven't taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

   Which fast food place has the softest napkins? Asking for a friend.

   The person who said "One person can't change the world" obviously never ate an under-cooked bat.

   I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.