Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hurt myself doing the Safety Dance.

   I told myself that I wouldn't drink today, but nobody ever listens to me.

   hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a Walmart men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

   Before we die of corona, anyone wanna admit they have a crush on me?

   Don't care about nudes, send me a video of you washing your hands

   Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

   If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

   If a man calls you a doll, it doesn't always mean a barbie. Could be a Chucky.

   Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

   If you happen to be hanging out with Julio down by the schoolyard, steer clear of Rosie. She's the Queen of Corona.

   Has anyone checked the math on the Mayan calendar to see if it was off by about 8 years?

   Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

   My stomach is upset but my kidneys are just disappointed

   The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

   My life hasn't been the same since McDonald's removed the HI-C orange drink from their stores!!

   What idiot called them anti-anxiety meds instead of relaxatives?

   “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches”

   The hippopotamus can run faster than humans on land and can swim faster than humans in water. This means that the only way you can beat a hippopotamus in a triathlon is on a bicycle.

   I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

   my new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth