Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It takes 43 muscles to frown, and yet it's still not an Olympic event. Ridiculous.

   They show sex on TV, but radio has 'Bleeps'.......Way to go FCC.

   Attorney General Eric Holder will take away all your guns!........ Mexican Drug Cartel ''That;s where I got mine!!!''

   Blackout in India would have been resolved by now but the electricians can't reach tech support.

   Whenever I'm bored I stop a stranger and ask "where am I?" and whatever they say I runaway screaming "Hahaha I'm a genius! I can teleport!"

   I think I just saw Terrell Owens on Hardcore Pawn.

   All I'm saying is: If you're already gonna be late for work you might as well walk into the office tangled up in a hammock.

   Coffee should be embarrassed by how little it helps me get through the day.

   I told her I just wanted to be friends. She unfriended me on Facebook. Go figure.

   If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn't want me here either.

   Caution: When someone tells you to get a grip, apparently around their neck is not what they meant.. Who knew

   A hot chick with all her teeth and original limbs at a bowling alley is alway a cop posing as a prostitute.

   If you dont sway side to side when listening to Stevie Wonder then we can't be friends.

   The ads where Bing says they're better than Google are so cute. Like when you let a kid think hes playing Xbox but the controllers unplugged.

   The sigh of relief when you realize the song playing is "Under Pressure" not "Ice Ice Baby"

   Loneliness can make you do some strange people.

   The adult way to end a relationship is to hide and hope it goes away.

   Guys If a Woman Shaves hers Legs she wants you to touch them..... You just have to make sure she knows You.

   Never mind those 2 N.K. subs that are missing, and more than likely are on there way to San Francisco.

   How to fall down stairs,,,, Step 1... Step 4... Steps 5,6,7,8,9...