Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been sober for like 40 days. Not in a row, just 40 days total...

   How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.

   I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string.

   If your kid is almost old enough for social media, Make sure you have the "We need the talk" thingy soon. You know advising him about the usage of your/you're and there/their/they're.

   Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport

   They should make supermarket camouflage so people you know won't see you and want to talk to you.

   Yesterday I bought a pack of two pillow cases but when I opened it there was only one. What a sham!

   All my updates will be posted in CAPITALS from now on. I posted this one in Atlanta.

   I stand by the unlikely threat I made when I thought you couldn’t hear me.

   A sure sign you need coffee is to wake up put water in the coffee maker and end up with a nice hot pot of water.

   Shaving your beard is a great way to remember what you looked like when you were 5.

   To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon...

   Some of you need to review your settings or medication... I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

   Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance. Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

   Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower? All other inmates (in unison): No.

   Looking for a DJ for my dog and cat's upcoming wedding. No weirdos.

   POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes? DOG: Correct

   mistletoe is the gateway drug to pregnancy

   I think I might have spent a quarter of my life just staring into the refrigerator.

   The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.