Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't worry Kanye, Stephen Hawking sings with autotune too.

   Trying to explain to my yoga teacher that I can't just "get rid of" this erection.

   If you watch Friday the 13th backwards, Jason's machete is a magic wand that brings kids back to life and sends them to summer camp...

   I had an epiphany, but I forgot it while I was trying to spell epiphany.

   It's all fun and games until they let the police dog loose..

   I bet "Game of War" would do better if they'd just spend a few bucks on advertising.

   I'm sure they'll recap the first round of this season of "Riots" on your local news channel in case you missed its premier.

   When a girl tells a guy he looks nice today, he thanks her. When a guy tells a girl she looks nice today, she goes home and throws away the outfit she wore yesterday.

   Holy crap guys!!!! Only one more week until Tiffany from Facebook is in Mexico drinking with her besties!!!

   The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."

   Calm down cashier clerk, it's just a 5 dollar bill. No need to hold it up against the light and run your marker through it. I spend my counterfits on my drug dealer...

   My birthday is coming up and I'm mostly just anxious about all the people on facebook who are about to pretend to like me.

   Life is just better when you're laughing.

   Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...

   Nothing says thankful and greatful like puching your fellow man in the mouth for $30 off a cheap TV made in China. Now get out there and fight for your kids presents, cause whats a great Christmas without a war story for the kids..

   You mean as much to me as error reports do to Microsoft.

   Sign said "WET PAINT" So I emptied my water bottle on it. I'm currently waiting on further instructions.

   You had me at, "we'll make it look like an accident."

   I am in the best shape of my life! Thanks poverty.

   Could you please put your crying baby on vibrate...?