Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently it's frowned upon to bring beer to a search party.

   Super Bowl Sunday: when people talk over the game and shut up during commercials. Go USA

   You have a better chance of falling out of an airplane, landing on a trampoline, bouncing back up in the sky and getting hit by the same airplane than you do of winning the lottery, yet people continue to plunk down paycheck after paycheck…

   My April Fools day joke blew up in my face. I threatened divorce. My wife agreed.

   If I were Stevie Wonder I would say “I’ll believe it when I see it” in response to pretty much anything just to piss people off.

   When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.

   “Hello? HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.”

   Quit crying, kid. I won this Easter egg hunt fair and square...

   I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.

   John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt has got to be one of my top 5 favorite songs about identity theft

   Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

   Don't, under any circumstance, believe I'll return your Tupperware.

   Why didn't Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

   I studied Jiu-Jitsu and Karate but if they ever start teaching classes in "Mad Black Momma in Baltimore," I'm forsaking both and signing up.

   I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.

   The real problem with the upcoming election is one of them is going to win...

   I wonder if women can hear the magnificent sounds of the symphony orchestra when their bra is removed...

   Bruce Jenner wears a dress in public and Vanity Fair asks him for a photo shoot. I wear a dress in public and the police ask me for a breathalyzer.

   I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I'll get ripped in 15 minutes

   Being honest may not get you alot of friends but it does get you the right ones...