Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can't remember where I parked my car.

   I'm not saying I drive fast, but on my last trip the lady in my GPS told me pull over and she would walk.

   The best part about being over 40 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.

   I love that "take out" means food, dating, and murder.

   Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”

   I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry..

   It may be time to start exercising . Halfway up this flight of stairs and I'm considering setting up base camp and trying for the summit tomorrow.

   I miss the good old days when I used to think T-mobile was a rapper.

   I wouldn't do anything for a Klondike bar, but I would do some sketchy stuff for some coffee.

   My Bank Account probabbly thinks I am Dead 😢

   People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers

   I’m at my most MacGyver when something is stuck in my teeth.

   Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...

   I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

   We all just need someone who will tie us to the bedpost and tell us everything is going to be alright.

   Nothing good ever starts with ‘Got a minute?’.

   Dating in your 20s: I love you so much. Let's get married! 30s: We get along pretty well. We should live together? 40s: I guess you can stay the night but don't touch my damn stuff.

   A massage is just professional petting for humans.

   Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?

   All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.