Snotty Funny Status Messages

   For $100,,,, I'll come to your house and name all of your plants.

   I do great farts when I pull myself up in the bathtub.......... Do your stuff, eHarmony

   People still shooting off fireworks better be careful that they don't hit any of the Christmas decorations they never took down.

   I was going to ask my neighbors if they would continue exploding things even though July 4th is over,,, and it's like they read my mind.

   Give a man fish and you'll feed him for a day...... Give a fish a man and I'll bet you're in the Mafia.

   Coworker: Scott, can I ask you a question?... Me: That's a great question, and the answer is no.. No you cannot.

   4yr old: when I grow up I want to be like daddy.... Wife: You can't do both honey

   I just ran over a mime.,,, Well, now he’s a mime.

   I come from a long line of impatient customers.

   "How do you think you would like it if the tables were turned?"...... ~interior decorators

   How many Oreos is too many?,,,,,,, Is it 25?,,,,,,,,,,, I feel like it should be more than 25

   IKEA now designs temporary houses for refugees which is weird because I thought they already did that.

   writes apology to 90's hip hop for the words he never gave to his mother.

   I put seat belts on my dining room chairs because mom's lasagna is THAT good and also I had the same 4th grade teacher for 2 years straight.

   I'm late for work again! This time my dog ate my car.

   If you love a cat, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours to keep.... If it doesn't, you drove far enough.

   If a bear attacks you, play dead........ Ok good, you're about to feel like this forever

   Dear naps, I'm sorry I was a jerk to you in kindergarten

   It's almost July 4th, the day we fought back against the aliens.

   When I turned 40,,, the fast Super Mario music started playing.