Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I don't know much about fashion,, So can I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

   Even though Her family owned a multimillion dollar cheese company.......... She was a dairy heir.

   When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

   I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.

   "Well, If I have a good lawyer",,, The answer to the question,,,, Can I bring a gun to a fist-fight?

   I also have an awesome recipe for jambalaya,,,,,,, It's actually one of my newest "soup-er powers"..... Drops mic,,,,,, apologizes profusely

   If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?......................... (you smart people grinned didn't you.)

   My Daughter asked if I wanted to have a tea party, so I yelled at her & her dolls for 2 hours about how I don't want to pay taxes anymore.

   Sometimes I like to go to Applebee's,,, and give them money not to bring me any food.

   If you only see one movie this summer, I suggest seeing more. Movies are great.

   Thanks for the suggestion, serving size... I've had a good laugh,, and will now make you feel stupid for being so wrong.

   Officer, I resent your accusatory tone & choice of words... FYI: She is my ‘trunk guest’,,, I served her ‘refreshments’,,, and she is ‘in repose’

   My three favorite shows about murderers are NCIS, CSI, and SportsCenter.

   Why did they even build a highway to the danger zone

   If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.

   The guy who invented the game "Twister" died this week.... Fitting him into his coffin took almost 30 spins. ( they put the left foot in...)

   Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad?,,,,, Good times........ Good times

   I wish I had Caesar Milan to correct me whenever I drive up to KFC

   Would it be bad to eat a bowl of my son's Flintstone vitamins as a snack?,,,, Hahaha, I’m just kidding; I have no idea whose son this is.

   Don’t believe in aliens, huh??,,,,,, Then explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.