Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Eating soup in the shower isn't saving me as much time as I thought.

   If I were a bee, I'd give you all my honey. Then I'd be in big trouble with the queen. I'd get excommunicated from the hive..... Thanks a lot.

   I accidentally posted a rhetorical question on Facebook,,, Now I'm banging my head against the wall,, but on the bright side, I have a growing list of people to hide my posts from

   HR: Let's talk about why you were late today... Me: I told you!.. HR: DRAGONS AREN'T "RELIABLE TRANSPORTATION!".. Me: Duh,,That's why I was late

   Pretty sure I look forward to my boss' vacation's more than he does.

   Yeah,, yeah... I'm just putting our meeting in my calendar...... ( shakes etch-a-sketch )

   I'm going to take you to the cleaners... After that, the bank & grocery store. Then possibly Arby's? It's totally up to you

   WANTED: Guitarist for air band. Must have own instrument.

   It's SO weird to think that before we invented cars,, if you hated someone, you had to key their horse.

   It's a good thing that not everyone has a smartphone... Someone has to honk when the light turns green.

   My pet rock pees on the floor.... Bad boy!! (Then I spank his butt)... Then mom lectures me for 2 hrs. about hitting rock bottom.

   Has anybody told Squirrels about crosswalks?

   My old fish didn't move around in her bowl all day. I hought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

   2 yr. daughter runs by screaming,,,,, 50 ducks chasing her,,,,, "YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF THE BREAD!!."

   It probably won't work out between us if you won't even play dead after I stab you with my Wolverine breadstick claws at Olive Garden.

   Next thing we know, Detroit is going to be asking for an EBT card,,, then it's just a slippery slope to standing outside of Home Depot.

   I made a toasted cheese sandwich... I may have accidentally included the plastic cheese wrapper... I may be afraid to poop for a while

   George Washington was so ugly that someone said "maybe his monument should be a huge pole instead of his face" and everyone was like "yeah."

   Don't worry, you'll never be lazier than the guy who named the washer and dryer.

   You can lead a horse to water and you can lead a horse into water and you can swim around with a horse and have fun