Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I'll bet I can do less push ups than you.

   Facebook is a great way to connect with boring people who are bad at the internet.

   Please take everything I tweet seriously because I never use sarcasm and thoroughly enjoy explaining things to strangers on the Internet

   The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked..... Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

   Two red blood cells met and fell in love. But alas,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, it was in vein.

   Ariel is a lot less attractive once you realize she swims around in her own poop water.

   Late every Sunday night, all other the stores in the mall go and tell Radio Shack not to worry about what other people think, they still love him

   Hello Acme? Me again, I'm gonna need a rocket and some roller skates.. Yeah & a sign with the word yikes on it... No I still haven't caught him

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, air pressure will suck your spine out of your butt, because you forgot to wear a spacesuit....... Idiot.

   Aaron Hernandez, O.J. Simpson and Ray Lewis walk into a bar... Four dead, 11 injured.

   Body of a man discovered in blue, curbside recycling bin in South Boston.... Police say body should've been placed in green, curbside bin.

   Dogs: can be trained to detect bombs... Cats: can be trained to poop in a box...... nough said

   I just got a new weed whacker today, And you could say,,,,,, (removes sunglasses) It's got, "Cutting hedge technology."

   I never flush a toilet when the power's out cuz I don't know how stuff works.

   They'll get it later, I tell myself after posets go unliked.... They'll all laugh later.

   What if gravity was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always crap on the floor to clean up...... Wait!,, Just hear me out bro.

   I'm actually really good at computers if you ask my grandma

   So,, If you're blind and on the toilet, do you wipe until you count to 20,, or how does that work?

   I've decided not to get married until somebody asks

   I Just saw Detroit at the Coinstar machine...