Snotty Funny Status Messages

   My dog runs for president,,,, gets asked race sensitive question,,, "The thing is, I don't see color"......*crowd goes wild*

   If I was looking to hire a psychic, the only question in my interview would be,,"How many times have you won the lottery?"

   Damn, for living in a trailer home in the woods you sure know a lot of government secrets

   Maybe poor people don't even like food,, we don't know.

   "I'd hit that".......................... - Old people driving

   Every time I hear Earth Angel,,, I check my hands to make sure I'm not fading.

   No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,, it’s 9.

   No one will think you're boring if you walk around wearing a deployed parachute

   "Any way you can speed this up, officer? I'm obviously in a hurry."

   My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word "restaurant."

   It's not you, It's your posts,, Wait ? You write them,, Nevermind, It's you

   If she says "I'm fine" that means she's fine and you can keep playing Xbox.......... lol

   Please everyone,, Hit the "like" button for my friend Emma Lyon's bagged manure company... And her best selling product,, " Emma Lyon's Sack-o-Crap"

   My son told me his medium wings were too hot... Now he has to wear the Tampon of Shame necklace for the rest of the day......... Thems the rules

   OJ Simpson was granted parole today, which means he can FINALLY get back to looking for the guy that murdered his wife.

   Word Problem: If Scott has 2 bananas for lunch and a dollar seventy nine in change, how likely is it he'll go get an order of onion rings?

   I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

   Listen,,, "You’re a ghost driving a meat coated skeleton made from stardust, what do you have to be scared of?"

   "Zyzzyva, Zyxst, Zyxt..." - Noah Webster's last words

   I'd like to invite you to stop inviting me to like your page on facebook.