Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I'm SO flexible,,,, I end up putting my foot in my mouth daily.

   You'd think there'd be another way of getting down from a horse other than just sitting there until it dies.

   cooking tip : not everyone can be a chef you know... you can order a pizza,, there is nothing shameful about giving up

   Listen Bob,,, You're indispensable. Just like the last guy we fired.

   If the world really had been flat, Americans would have poured pizza sauce on it and eaten it.

   When it comes to toilet water,, It's not the taste that keeps me coming back.... It's the free refills.

   Hello? Poison control? I need some help. Bret Michaels is in my house and he won't leave.

   Pterodactyls are probably extinct because of the pterrible and ptedious spelling of their stupid species name.

   Amazing the things you say you’ll never do again when your head is lying next to a toilet

   My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.

   SIGN: *jesus recycling shoes*....... "What are you doing there Jesus?"... "Oh, you know, just,,, Saving soles."...

   What is the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine?.... The porcupine has the pricks on the outside....

   Michael J. Fox etch-a-sketched the entire New York City skyline in 4 seconds.

   I think It's a good thing that not everyone has a smartphone... Someone has to honk when the light turns green.

   Hmmmmm,, You walk to the back of the dry cleaner's,,,,, and it's just a bunch of cats licking your shirts.

   Welcome to Vegas,,,,,, Where what you don't know about your bedspread won't hurt you..

   I wanted a cigar but they were too expensive. I rolled some tobacco in a piece of brown construction paper........ It was close, but no cigar.

   I buy all my guns from a dude named T-Rex........... Yeah He's a,,, small arms dealer

   A guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane todday... Years of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

   I just found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock,,,, people expect less of you.