Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Dear teenage me, It's the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone.. No don't kill yourself, it's actually pretty fun

   Oh, I'm sorry...Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

   I am.... 'My 1st car had an ashtray'... years old.

   Today's random act of kindness: feeding pepperoni slices to our vegan neighbor's 3 year old, through the mail slot.

   Yes,,, The bathrooms by the pool are a nice touch but completely unnecessary.

   Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you can then stick him with a crippling amount of fishing school loans

   HELPFUL HINT: Table saws work on other stuff too, not just tables,, for example,,, I have two couches now.

   The day my kids will lose their innocence is when they figure out there is no such thing as a 3 piece chicken nugget happy meal

   How much for the horse tornado?..... Sir, That's a carousel..... Hmmm, I must have it.

   Eating Taco Bell for the 5th night in a row... BTW, your colon grows back right?

   The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there's tons of those things. Relax, there will always be worms.

   In the mind of my Hound dog: "He's on the floor, trying to get my ball from under the couch... I will assist by licking his eyeball !"

   FUN FACT: The Middle of a donut is actually fat free.

   You think you're superior to us? We're all just a whim away from singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." Yes, a whim away...a whim away...a whim away.

   "You're the Garbage Man, eh? What's your super power?". "Umm, I'm just here to take out the trash."."Whoa there slappy, we'll get to your catch phrase later."

   I hate when I’m on the treadmill, and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and accidentally eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

   What's Obama's last name again?. I always forget

   His dad was Mexican, His mother Italian, Both were Jedi Masters..... He's, Old Bean Juan Cannoli. (lol, I'm not even sorry)

   I have an IQ in the top 2 percentile... The rest of you 96% are stupid

   If you've deactivated facebook, and someone tells you happy Birthday .. Marry that person