Snotty Funny Status Messages

   So the cop was like 'say the alphabet backwards',, So I said 'the alphabet backwards',, Then we laughed and laughed............ Send bail money

   Remember how your teachers would drink in the staff lounge, only it was just one teacher, and she drank all day, and you were homeschooled?

   This IKEA joke may be cheap,,, but it still took me hours to figure out how to set up.

   Like most parents, my wife and I love to proudly watch our beautiful little daughter whilst she sleeps... It does seem to freak out our son-in-law though

   If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you're going to jail.

   Since Jesus's birthday and Christmas are on the same day this year I'm only giving him one present.

   I would say at least 3% of my life has been spent talking to dogs that are in other people's cars.

   Well technically,,, Every burger a bulimic girl eats is an In-N-Out burger.

   So I'm at the farmer’s market,,, carefully picking out produce to throw away next week.

   I don't need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure

   BREAKING NEWS: Over 30 people feared soothed in Yankee Candle fire.

   A good magician never reveals what he does for a living.

   "I make six figures just about every year"-..................... In my unsuccessful mannequin business

   They pull a trumpet, you pull an oboe. He sends one of yours to the mezzanine, you send one of his to the loge. That's the philharmonic way.

   I already told you. I don't know any sign language... Geesh, Are you deaf?

   This is the worst self help forum I have ever read.

   Pretending that your problems are not really there do not make you sane. You have to stick your fingers in your ears and hum also.

   "Doc, I feel grouchy and my head turns 360 degrees."... "Hmm,, Sounds like Irritable owl syndrome".. Doc prescribes a Tootsie pop...

   *An Icelandic cop knocks on a door* "Mrs Jónson? There's no easy way to say this..... Your husband fell into the volcano Eyjafjallajökull."

   Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.