Snotty Funny Status Messages

   We're here today to witness the union of two special people. The lasers we use to fuse them together are very powerful,,,, so goggles on please

   I'm pretty sure twerking is mentioned somewhere in the book of Revelations

   I really hope my fantasy football teams do well this year.... I need a resume booster.

   The University of Phoenix's mascot,, is just a guy struggling to open a can of tuna.

   A TV chef just explained, "it's the heat that starts the cooking process"... Hmmm,, Let me just write that down

   The irony is,, Girl dogs do not even talk about their girl friends behind their backs...

   Sorry I spilled your bottle of wine,,, all down my throat.

   Wondering what it's like to have a kid? Take a goat to the store. That's like having a 5 yr old. Now get the goat drunk. That's a 2 yr old.

   Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so..... Now help me load this drum kit.

   How do I jailbreak my e-cig?

   Remember when mambo 5 came out with the retina display? It made the mambo 4S look like CRAP........... good times

   Hey,, just drank so much Gatorade, I could literally kick a basketball right now, or however sports work or whatever

   FYI: The holidays are coming. If you do NOT want snakes please send me a notarized letter asking for NO SNAKES. Otherwise you are getting snakes.

   I bet if you look up "dictionary" in the dictionary,, it just says "this."

   If you're stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

   Yes Grandma, I'm almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq

   Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.

   There's no way that scientists can prove to me that pterodactyls didn't pronounce the p

   Does the 5 Second Rule apply to bass drops?

   My tupperware order has shipped,, and in 2-3 business days I finally won't have to contain my excitement.............WAIT !,, Or will I?