Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Mom: You want some trail mix?........... Me: You mean M&Ms with obstacles?

   Dear God, when I said I wanted a salary with six zeros in it,,, I didn't mean only zeros.

   *Maury opens envelope*......................"Necessity IS the mother of Invention!"....... *Necessity jumps up and throws chair across stage*

   Ask your doctor if making three lefts is right for you.

   It's 2013 and I'm pretty disappointed that scientists have yet to introduce bbq or cool ranch alternatives to our plain salt-flavored tears

   So I'm at antiques roadshow getting competitive and sweaty, letting everyone in line cut in front of me so my stuff will be older when I get to the front.

   The sky is the limit unless you understand science.

   Never get your panties in a bunch... The good quality ones are sold individually.

   I've got the body of a 21 year old,, but I have to give it back cuz I'm getting it wrinkled

   My cat eats ONLY top-quality organic treats... And licks its own butthole.

   If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then of course,, you're a witch.

   LISTEN,,, Every pizza can be a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.

   Attention: Person who used this porta potty before me, See your doctor soon.. Real soon.. Yesterday soon.... PLEASE

   Well,,,, If you count watching Elmer Fudd singing "Kill The Wabbit," Then yes, I've been to the opera.

   I hate it when my sock puppets fight... Cuz I don't have a free hand to break them up.

   Lord, it's me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?

   Wake me up when everything isn't pumpkin flavored.

   I have a confession: All of my posts are stolen word-for-word from the repair manual for the 1974 Oldsmobile Cutlass...

   "Sorry... Sorry... Sorry... Sorry... Pardon... Sorry..." Canadian bumper cars...

   firemen keep harvesting my cat tree