Snotty Funny Status Messages

   It's called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

   Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.

   Wives,,, If your man says he will fix it,,, he will... There's no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

   I always buy the biggest size pants on the rack because they cost the same as the smallest size. More pants for your money, I always say.

   Vet suggested cayenne pepper to get the dog to stop eating her poop....Sounds good...nothing says dignified like seasoning your dog's poops.

   Just got passed by a Prius, and I DIDN'T exclaim "Oh hell no" then gun it............... I don't know what's happening to me

   "So You Thought You Could Watch This Show About Dancing"

   If it smells like a salad and it tastes like a salad, there's still a good chance it's an organic vegan chocolate chip cookie

   Yes, you can lead a horse to water but you can also bring the water to him. Maybe do something nice for someone else for once in your life... geesh

   A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.

   God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later... Amen

   It's almost 24 years later and so far the magic still hasn't gone out of my divorce

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I... shhhh shut up. You shut up.

   Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.

   I know you're not supposed to wear white after labor day, but they're my legs,, and I don't know how to leave them at home.

   You lose your wallet on the bus,,,, later, you see the same bus wearing a new pair of sunglasses, and a gold watch

   People go on and on about the length of Subway's sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?

   Want to feel old? The players in this year's Puppy Bowl haven't even been born yet.

   I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

   According to this BMI chart,,, I'm too short.