Snotty Funny Status Messages

   It was said that Fast Luke had the quickest hand in the West. Too bad everyone else used guns. Luke's final words reportedly were "pew, pew"

   I want a closed-casket funeral when I die. And in case anyone opens it, I want one of those boxing gloves on a spring to shoot out.

   I'll never forget when Dad tried to teach me to swim by pushing me off the boat. And when he taught me to drive by pushing me out the car.

   I just found out that his full name is actually,, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.

   Uhm, excuse me waiter... I'd like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.

   “I followed Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”................ First hipster

   "Smells like...spring cleaning & fresh flowers"... *takes off blindfold*..."Nope, dead grandma!"..... - worst Febreze commercial ever

   *whispers* ...and here we have a teen loading a washer with clothes--unprovoked... A rare sight, seldom witnessed outside captivity.

   How did the tooth cross the river? It took the "tooth ferry"......... Thanks, I'll be here all week

   Burned a clock today... Actually ended up inhaling a lot of "secondhand" smoke.

   Willy Wonka is put on death row. Requests Everlasting Gobstopper as final meal.....LOL, Lives forever.

   At Olive Garden, request a table for one, last name Birthday. When your tables ready they say "Birthday party for 1".... Then just cry.

   *at my 8th grade spelling bee*.. "spell ABANDON".... ABANDON,, D-A-D,,, *judge starts sobbing into mic then slams the bell*

   Hello, I am Inigo Montoya,,, I am your waiter,,, here's your menu,,, prepare to dine.

   If this picture of me running a red light is going to cost me $350, they coulda added a dragon and put it in a pirate ship frame.

   Knock knock.... Who's there?.... Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"

   Cartwheels?...... In this economy?

   The chefs are going to roux the day they told me I couldn't make a white sauce

   Does this 'I Beat Anorexia' T-Shirt make me look fat?

   There's nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it's only lettuce :(