Snotty Funny Status Messages

   If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.

   Don't grow up... It's a trap, It's a trap. (read in Admiral Ackbar voice)

   On a dark desert highway,,, cool whip in my hair...

   Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.

   Honey I shrunk the kids' college savings,,, and bet on a pure bred horse

   DOC: I'm sorry, but you only have 2 weeks to live... *I slip the Doc a 5 dollar bill*... DOC: Ooooh make that 3 weeks buddy... *I wink at my loved ones*

   You can't buy a woman's love, but you can buy a human heart... Seriously, go look on Craigslist.

   And on the 8th day god created female hormones. Then the female destroyed that day.

   A sitcom after all the years away from television proves again that Michael J Fox is one of the true movers and shakers of entertainment.

   Sean Connery's dog must get so confused when he yells for it to sit...

   I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.

   My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I've only got 40 lbs to go.

   Everyone likes to talk crap about the Salem Witch Trials,,, but have you noticed, We haven't had a witch attack in like 300 years?

   Son came home from school and asked what "ostracized" meant.. Of course I told him its a unit of measurement for birds.... *now I've got another parent/teacher conference next monday*

   I'm "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start" years old.

   Wife wanted to see my posts... We laughed and laughed... I made a run for it, and I got 2 blocks... Running is hard.

   I accidentally kicked my cat off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now he's in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song.

   You can take my advice, I’m not going to use it.

   Some days I can't get my earbuds in far enough.

   Overview of my résumé: 1. Quick eater 2. Extensive knowledge of Parkour 3. Argumentative 4: Fired from McDonalds 5: Am I a multi tasker, (I can sneeze and pee at the same) 6: leading my Fantasy Football league..