Snotty Funny Status Messages

   FYI,,, Society has put an excessive amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.

   I'm just going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

   Fact: The 2013 Boston Red Sox have more beard weight than any team in Major League Baseball history.

   *Doctor enters room*.."I'm going to be blunt with you".. *whips out a huge joint*.."Let's light-up".. Nice.."BTW, you've got epilepsy".. Nice

   Everytime this post is liked,, a Member of Congress gets kicked in the genitals.

   Day 4 of shut-down: As long as nobody lists the U.S. on eBay and let Canada or North korea buy us..... We should be fine.

   Forget Morgan Freeman, I'd pay a king's ransom for an app. that would have Christopher Walken's voice read posts.

   Woah there treadmill,,, I can't scroll posts, or reach the Burrito in the cupholder next to the ashtray at that speed.

   I need to start dressing for the job I want, not the job I have........... *puts on Jedi outfit and waits patiently*

   What's the cheapest kind of meat?... Deer Balls, They're under a Buck!... *Drops mic.,, Cries behind stage*

   Driving isn't even in the top 5 things I'm thinking about when I'm driving.

   Just found out I got another A in my daughter's science class.

   Well son,,, They called it a bra because booby trap was already taken

   The Dallas Cowboys say they're not intimidated by Peyton Manning... They also said they are not really sure what "intimidated" means.

   "Mommy, since I can't have that NIH clinical trial to cure my cancer, as a dying wish, can we go see the Grand Canyon?"

   CNN poll: 17% of Americans view North Korea favorably... CBS poll: 9% of Americans approve of Congress.... Hmm

   Turned off "Facebook Notifications".... My battery whispered,,, "thank you"

   Dog owner tip: Never entrust your dog to watch your food for you.

   If you have a recycling bin full of cans with holes from a 22. Then sure, we can be friends

   I call "dibs" again this year for "Tanning Mom" as a Halloween costume.