Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Just ate an entire 180 day supply of gummy vitamins sitting in traffic and now I'm bullet and fireproof. Probably.

   Stared off into space after lunch and accidentally graduated from University of Phoenix with another degree : (

   FYI: You find out if the NSA is listening to your call by singing SWEET CAROLINE and if more than one voice responds with bum bum bum THEN YOU KNOW

   BTW: Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

   *whispers to the Internet*............. "Look what you did."

   Name brands really are better... For instance, I just found out that a "Tide pen" will work much better on a stain, then a regular pen.

   This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,,, but I’d never met herbivore.... *gets pulled off the stage by a giant cane*

   All the clowns hated the one female clown because it took forever to get everyone in and out of the car every 30 minutes for her to pee.

   I like my sushi cooked medium rare,,,, and made from a cow.

   Pro driving tip: Look in your rear view mirror. If there's a long line of traffic behind you but no one in front of you, you're an ass.

   A recent scientific study, has revealed a bunch of crap I don't understand.

   If I go into a restaurant with two other people I like to say my last name is Stooge, just to hear the hostess call out "Stooge, party of 3"

   So do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

   My boss is asking me to turn my reports in on time..... *like I DON'T write crappy jokes online for no pay lol*

   Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn't come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn't a gift

   We're shutdown, but not 'stop collecting taxes' shutdown.........- the government

   Awwe, he's sleeping like a baby......... *People who've never had a baby*

   I'm "it's 8:30 and you wanna start a movie this late?" years old.

   You know that sinking feeling,,, when you realize that you should have taken those swimming lessons.

   FYI: It's illegal to shine a laser pointer at a plane because a cat might attack the plane