Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I accidentally knocked over a few dinners onto the floor at Whole Foods and I now owe them over $212,080,999 dollars

   if you're fighting another pirate ship & your cannonball lands directly in their cannon everyone has to switch eyepatches to their other eye

   PRO TIP: You can put a baseball card between the spokes on a Prius, and make it sound like a real car

   A country song,,, but for how bad country music is.

   Can you even imagine how long the Carfax report is on the Batmobile

   The work day would be so much more fun if it were Casualty Friday

   When I was a kid,,, we had to post updates through two cups and a string.

   Huh,,, It's pretty cool how willy wonka got away with murdering all those bratty kids that went on a tour of his candy factory... Hmmm

   Listen,,, any sport is dodgeball if you aren't very good.

   According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.

   Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

   I wonder what "don't touch" is in Braille.

   Just gave myself an enema filled with warm water and glitter, and I ended up craping out a Ke$ha cd.

   Rainy day entertainment idea: Take the kids to Cabela's,, or as I call it, "The Really Still Zoo."

   My father is at that age where he will have a full on conversation with a telemarketer.

   I'll take opposites for 400 Alex... "the opposite of downcat"... What is updog?.."Not much what's up with you"... * Alex quits,, they shutdown show forever*

   Sex Ed teacher: Class today we will start on the birds and the bees. Today is bees. *opens hive, unleashing an angry swarm of bees*... Locks us in

   “It’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”... Umm,,, wait, you’re not my doctor... *a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

   what cultureless buffoon called him Subway Sandwich Artist of the Month and not "Leonardo Six Inchi".

   I think I'm the only person in this Family Dollar without a neck tattoo....... Wait, a 7yo just walked by,, Yep, still the only one.