Snotty Funny Status Messages

   My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.

   Dear Airlines,,, We never REALLY tirned our phones off anyhow...................Signed,, EVERYONE

   My dad's TV volume is always set at "screw the neighbors".

   Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.

   How about A public washroom so nice,, that you don't have to flush the toilet with your foot.

   FYI: When each one of the Golden Girls died, the remaining ones gained their power,,, and now Betty White is an immortal highlander.

   I got one of those 13.1 bumper stickers cuz that's how many wings I can eat in five minutes.

   My super power is leaving a party without saying goodbye to anyone.

   Wait!!! Just exactly how does a cheese grater make cheese greater?

   *Gets in hammock*...*hammock instantly goes into spin cycle*...*spins into cocoon*...*completes larva process*

   Bringing the grandkids to Seaworld next week,, to swim with the sharks... It's Dolphins?.. Whatever...

   I Hate when my wife asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line,, cause I really don't like being that guy holding two purses.

   Someday, we'll all look back on this, laugh nervously and then quickly change the subject.

   So,, The cashier at this Trader Joe's forgot to say "I love these" to one of my items, and now I have to go to the end of line and start over.

   Idea: We lure Godzilla to Washington D.C., and then claim the insurance money. (we could balance the budget and start over)

   I just got kicked out of a Whole Foods for wearing deodorant.

   I judge how my week is going by how many times I've had to sit down in my shower.

   I'm convinced that the employees of Ikea were just used to be customers who didn't know how to get out and just gave up.

   I brought a t-shirt cannon to a knife fight. Everyone dropped their knives to catch their own piece of lynyrd skynyrd history.

   If Sesame Street really cared about children,,, they'd realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.