Snotty Funny Status Messages

   The difference between bison and buffalo is simple... The ones that have useless little wings are buffalo.

   Pharmacists should stuff every third prescription bottle with one of those snakes that pops out at you... cuz laughter is the best medicine.

   Sea salt is healthier only because it gets stuck in the holes of the shaker and you can't actually put it on your food.

   Roses are red, Violets are blue,,, This court finds you guilty, So I'm jailing you..... (poetic justice)

   The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.

   Canada: "hey America, catch!"... *throws Justin Bieber at US*..."No give backs"... *Canada runs away giggling*

   I'm sorry Charlie Brown, but your mother is dead.... Turns out, she had a trombone lodged in her throat and eventually just suffocated to death

   I am unable to quit as I am currently too legit.

   You sir,,, Are a "lactose intolerant person with bee allergies".. In my, "Land of Milk & Honey"..

   Please don't leave the light on for me, Motel 6.... I don't want anyone to see me here.

   Thank you for the $50 gift card to Whole Foods. I will cherish this organic apple.

   Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, "I don't know. I don't speak Chinese."... Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

   How soon after eating lunch is it ok to eat lunch again?

   Mac & Cheese doesn't contain many vitamins, so it's important you always eat a bunch of it.

   I just heard that my ex-wife has started dating again,,, and here I am with no popcorn.

   Lets just put nicotine in coffee and be done with it.

   How to make hard taco: 1. Buy soft taco from taco bell...2. Crush up Cialis ... 3. Sit in bath tub on dock over looking lake.. 4.wait for the right moment

   Eat a banana lengthwise if you don't want anyone to sit by you.

   My real superpower is guessing the weight of your emotional baggage.... HINT: It's more than you think

   Some of you people are great.... Others should be towed a safe distance and blown up as precaution.